One month and counting

Yesterday, or exactly 4 weeks ago baby,you were born. I hope this milestone in your life is a good one for ya. In terms of developmental milestones, you're visually tracking things, you're still obsessed with light fixtures, and if needed, you can scream and cry while using the full capacity of your little lungs. You can also shed tears after prolonged crying :( Just recently you can't seem to take your eyes of mamma, but I guess that's to be expected since you hang out with her so much (I'm secretly jealous).

You're making a range of noises, sometimes like a baby Wookiee, to just grunts of a young girl who knows karate. Sometimes I make a range of noises from scatting to random undulating noises, and my all time favorite, pit noises from a Nascar pitstop (this is truly what daddy thinks when he's changing your diaper at night. Undoing those tiny snaps on your sleeper and onesie, taking off the diaper cover, undoing snappi fastener, put aside dirty diaper with one hand, while the other hand keeps both legs secured and butt off the changing pad, secure proper placement of new diaper, ensure proper and secure fit of snappi fastener, but this point baby you might be squirming, and post cold baby wipe, you're about to start crying. We're in the home stretch here, I may sometimes make tire changing noises while I'm putting on your diaper cover, sometimes fastening the sides together could be a challenge if you're crying, squirming or both. Othertimes the noises seem to distract you, OK, I'll admit it, it's fun to make your own sound effects. If you're really crying mom's awake, quite possible the neighbors are awake, so there's a quick hand off to top you off with mamma's milk., so we can get you back to sleepyland. Haven't timed myself yet, but perhaps one of these days mamma will catch this all on tape.)

Speaking of sounds, I've expanded your musical knowledge by singing you Rockabies from the Beatles, Smashing Pumpkins, the Cure, Led Zepplin, etc. You seem to really like D'yer Mak'er. There's never a dull moment when you hang out with daddy, whether it's reading you the news, magazine articles, giving you the play by play of a bball game on tv, etc.

Back to milestones, baby, you now have a belly button, you're little stump and dried up and fallen off. Mamma discarded it, she had no desire to save it, so blame her. It's hard to say if it's going to be an innie or an outie, but it ain't like I'm going to be buying you navel shirts anytime soon, so no need to get all self conscious about it. Now that the stump is dry, you've been enjoying baths, cuz you've grown up into a real bath tub, so yeah!

The cutest thing you do is still when you're sleeping- the range of expressions, half smiles, more noises, and arm/hand placement is adorable. Some of my favorite arm positions, are the both arms above your head like you're doing the wave, the thinker-one fist tucked underneath your chin, and I think it's cute when you soothe yourself with a finger, side of your hand or your fist.

It's been a great 4 weeks, a bit sleep deprived, and becoming more dependent on caffeine, but I'm loving every moment with you.

Back in the day. . .

Baby, it's been awhile since I've written to you. I just wanted to re-live pappa's glory days. Now daddy was no all state quarterback, or track star, instead he chose obscure sports so that he had a fighting chance to participate and be active.

In H.S. pappa played water polo for 4 years, he was also on the state championship team his senior year. He also swam on the swim team his freshmen year. In College, for some reason he decided to walk on to the swim team, and devote 4 years of his life and many holidays swimming back and forth in a pool. I also discovered ultimate frisbee in college and that was more dynamic than swimming was.

After College I continued to play ultimate frisbee 3 out of 4 seasons each year, started commuting by bike to work, took up rock climbing for a bit, and even trained and participated in 2 sprint triathlons. Of course this is all the major activities, this doesn't include stretching daily that I started in college, occasional to regular running, lifting weights, backpacking/hiking, etc.

Daddy is a man who likes to stay active, sitting at work, being stagnant is not enjoyable, he can feel his muscles going into atrophy from lack of stimulating activity.

Since your arrival, daddy has been pretty inactive. Even couple of months before you arrived, daddy had to stop running due to his first serious knee injury. While stretching, strength based work outs, and commuting by bike is great, he's really missed running in the cold winter mornings, missed going skiing/snowboarding, and is itching to play ultimate frisbee. While all the inactivity you would think daddy blew up like a blimp, but actually the whole birthing process, not sleeping, always running, and hanging out with you has led to actual weight loss, but after 2 straight weeks of nicely cooked meals by your grandma's, daddy's weight is back to normal.

While all the inactivity drives him crazy, it really is a joy to just spend an hour with you in the morning, instead of going out for a run. How daddy will juggle this as you continue to get older is TBD. I did calculate on my bike ride, when you're in your teens, it's possible that we can play on the same ultimate team, boy do I look fwd to that. Until then, I'm loving every non activity related minute and hours that spend with you. Let's just hope daddy doesn't have to start walking to work each day and only eating subway, like Jared.

Reflections on Love

As I have become a father, there have been many new things I’ve learned and many stories about my daughter that I can share. There have been two defining moments in my life that have made me learn new things about my Father. Many people have said the marriage union btwn a man and a woman is as close of an example of the love that our Father has for us. A partner who does not grow tired of waiting, loving, or supporting the other. This unconditional love is reflective of God’s love. Marriage has helped me to understand the unwavering devotion that God has for us, as well as how important Jesus’ grace is to us as Christians.

Another defining moment was the birth of my daughter. Everyday I look fwd to when I can spend time with her. More importantly I know that I get to spend as much time with her really late at night, or really early in the morning, when I wake up to change her diaper, or helping her go back to sleep after a feeding. Those moments, in the quietness of when the world is asleep, my daughter and I are awake, hanging out. Often times we sit in the rocking chair, sometimes I’m too tired to even hold her, but other times I sit and sing for my daughter. In singing sometimes she falls asleep or tries to stay awake to hear the melodies of hymns or church songs.

I’ve realized that only a parent who loves their child would wake up every 2-3 hours to sing to their child for 20mins to fall back asleep. Sometimes I think about the future when my daughter will cause me some pain or worry, but my love for her will never change. There may be moments in life when my daughter will claim to hate me, but my love will remain the same. I’ve also realized that regardless of how much my daughter says “I love you,” it will never equal the love that I have for my daughter.

How is it that I can love someone that I don’t even know, or someone who can’t express their love for me. It goes beyond logical reasoning that I would have utmost devotion to someone that may or may not love me back to the same degree. It is these thoughts that have made me realize and understand the true and exact love that my parents had and have for me when I was a child and as an adult. It is also how I’ve continued to learn about how God loves me.

Like my daughter, it is unlikely that my love for God will equal the love that God has extended to me. God sent his only son to live and die for me. God looks fwd to the time we spend with him. God’s love and grace for us only becomes more tangible to me as I begun to spend time with my daughter. The biggest difference as it says in Jeremiah 1:5 is, God knows us even before we’re born. Even though my daughter may know my voice, she doesn’t know me, and I don’t know her. The love I have for my daughter a complete stranger, who has lived with me for 2 weeks runs deep, how much deeper does the love of our Father run if he knew us before we were even born, before we began to pray, before we devoted our lives to him? The amount of love and grace that God extends to us becomes incomprehensible to human thought.

What a great and loving father we have in Heaven. What a delight it is for God to hear us sing and talk to him. What a delight it is for God to see his children in his house today. The idea of God’s unwavering and never ending love is basic, but also very complex. It has taken many life changing events for me to further understand this love. It is my hope that God will reveal the depth of his love to us in a very personal way before we spend an eternity in heaven learning more about God’s love.

Technique

The intricacies of fatherhood is comprised of many things, unfortunately being a dad for a week has not enlightened me to too many of the secrets at this time. But I will share these various techniques that has made me a better father to my daughter.

1. Swaddling- It's important to learn how to swaddle so that the baby feels safe and secure, in a tight fashion, just like when they lived inside of mamma. Sometimes baby get startled by their own involuntary movements. Like when I'm dreaming about playing ultimate, I may extend my arm out for a bid, and hit my wife, but that's another story. Not sure what babies are dreaming about, but they squirm just as much as we do in our sleep, except it's weird for them. When things are weird, babies tend to freak out, and then start crying. If a baby starts crying before they wet or poop in their diaper, or before a scheduled feeding time, this is going to make any dad or mom unhappy in the middle of the night. So it's best to swaddle, so how do you do it?

Take blanket, (preferably cotton or fleece like material, no silk or something slippery like) and lay it on a flat surface, but lay it down with a corner pointed at your crotch, you don't want one of the sides of the blanket in front of a crotch. The corner in front and opposite of your crotch should be folded down about into the center of the blanket about 6 inches or so, basically not quite halfway into the blanket and more 1/3 to 1/4. Since I couldn't find and visuals, let's repeat here. At this point, the 4 cornered rectangular blanket will not only have 3 corners and the top corner will be folded into itself to have a flat edge.

On this fold (flat edge) is where you'll place your baby's head (face up, of course). You'll have to experiment if that means the whole head, half head, or base of the head, etc.

Now you take the left corner for your righties and fold it over the front of thebaby's body. There should be enough blanket that it will go across the front of the baby's body and then still have enough material to tuck it under the baby's body. If there's too much slack, just reposition the baby and start all over. If your baby is young or tends to scratch at its face, it may be more beneficial to have it's right are down by the baby's side before folding the left corner over the baby's body. If your baby likes to suck it's fist or fingers, and you don't mind, then place both of its hands near its face when swaddling.

Next you take the lower corner of the blanket (one closest to crotch) and bring that up towards the baby's left shoulder and tuck that corner underneath the shoulder. The important thing to remember is that both feet are secured and will not poke out if it kicks or squirms. So if this isn't possible, you may have to start all over and reposition in a fashion that you have enough blanket below the baby's feet.

Rounding third, heading for home now, you take the final corner on the right hand side and bring that over the baby's body, making sure it's snug, and securing the the previous folds from slipping out, and tucking the excess material underneath the baby's body. Also, you'll want arm placement consistency here, either at its side or near the face. Again it's important that the feet are secured in this fold. The baby's own weight will keep the baby from un-doing all your hard work.

One of the most common mistake is to loosely swaddle which is a waste of time, because the baby will eventual fun in a short amount of time. Of course no swaddle is impervious to getting loose, but the more snug it is, the better the swaddle, and longer the baby and you may get to sleep. Also another common problem is the baby's ability to kick through the swaddle, so it's important to have the folds that go across the leg to be snug and have enough blanket to keep them secure.


2. Cloth Diapering/disposable diaper changing- the key here men is speed. Isn't all things measured by how fast we do things? Like most things, we don't want to fall into "haste makes waste." The trick is to be Navy Seal like, fast and efficient. Also like the military you want to be prepared for the battle before you're wrist deep in doo doo. So like a good surgeon or NASCAR pit crew, you'll want to lay out all the things you will need before you take off a diaper.
Things one will need:

1. Appropriate changing surface
2. anti-bacterial gel
3. new diaper
4. moist wash cloth/baby wipes
5. place to dispose diaper
6. post diaper changing plan
7. misc items

First you'll need to find an appropriate changing surface, whether it's a changing pad on the floor, changing table, in the crib, etc.

Next you'll want to practice good hygiene as you'll be in contact with baby's delicate genitalia, so slather on that anti bacterial gel, or wash your hands with soap.

New diaper-whether cloth or disposable, you'll want to have a steady supply of them. Before even removing the diaper, you'll want to have new one laid out-flat, with all the adhesives ready to stick, etc. If you're cloth diapering, it's all the same, except you'll also want the option for a new cover in case it's stained or wet.

Undo the dirty diaper, if it's just pee, great, cuz it's going to be easy breezy. If it's poo, take the clean part of the diaper and wipe down (front to back) the poop. More poop in the diaper less chance that it'll get on your hands and more efficient use of diaper wipes or wash cloth.

Once baby's been wiped with the diaper, grab both or one leg of the baby, kind of like your going to hog tie a calf, and raise baby's butt of the diaper. Pull dirty diaper away, and set aside for disposal. While holding onto the baby's legs, and butt off the changing surface, take baby wifes/moist cloth and wipe down baby front to back. Don't want to go back to front and have poop or debris near baby's genitalia.

Now that baby is poop free and clean, take new diaper and slide it underneath the baby. Lower baby's butt on diaper and reposition if necessary. Now if this is a newborn and the poop is that paste like black stuff, you'll want to put some vaseline on the diaper, so that you can smear the vaseline on the baby's butt, genitalia, legs, etc. This is to prevent that black stuff from getting caked on the skin and easier clean up. Now close up the diaper and you're all set.

Now we're back to swaddling the baby if that's the post diaper change plan or hand of clean diapered baby to someone, or whatever. If baby is diapered, now you go back to disposing of the dirty diaper, and whatever clean up.

If you're cloth diapering, I've found that the flying angel wing technique good, also using the snappi fasteners has also made cloth diapering neater, in that there hasn't been any leaks of any kinds.

3. Consoling- Dads need to have a good repertoire of ways to console a crying baby or fussy baby. When mamma is frustrated or too tired to deal with crying baby, guess who's on deck to help out- you are. So have a good list of things that your baby is going to like including, singing, dancing, reading, rocking in the glider, multiple ways to hold/position the baby, different music (preferably one with a good distinct beat like reggae or something), changing diapers, swaddling, going for a walk, bouncing seats, swings, etc.

I'm sure there are many more techniques out there that dads need, but these are my top 3 for the moment.

Home, Sweet, Home

Baby, I forgot to mention that we did give you a cool name, but for privacy purposes, you'll continue to be referred to as Baby.

It's been nearly 30ish hours since mamma and I brought you home. I'll have to say waiting for the pediatrician to give you the final look over physical and critique mamma on correct alignment of teet to your mouth was excruciatingly long. Probably more than the previous 4 days with you, I was overcome with dread and fear the day we left the hospital. Not that the we left you in the care of nurses the whole time, or you slept in the nursery every night. Mamma and I hae been in action, playing the role of caretakers to ya, but something about leaving the safe confines of the fancy hospital made it oh so real, and scary.

Mamma had some good insights, it's going to be tough not having a new nurse every 8-12 hours who comes and tells us how you cute you are, and how superficially we feel proud of you, but really those surface level parental ego boosters only solidify, yes how cute you are, but also how could we not be good parents to you.

So while it's been quiet here at home, mamma and I have been busy, getting the cloth diaper system working, as well as just getting all the last minute things ready for mamma and your need. Most importantly I worry that mamma is eating enough and eating healthy foods. As well as resting enough to recuperate from her surgery.

I dread going back to work, realizing that, yes each day is a new day, and each day for you is a milestone that we will not be able to re-visit. So the thought of going into work even for a couple of hours seems like I may be missing so much, just imagine in a couple of months when there's walking and talking involved. Even since you've come home, you've been adjusting well to just mamma and I, and our condo.

You appear to be sleeping more that mamma's milk is freely flowing, and we hope that you get back to your birth weight. You also seem to need less soothing- I haven't had to sing you a song, nor use the pacifier. In the end you really are growing up each day, and you're doing it all by yourself. That alone seems so amazing and bring tears to my eyes, knowing that this is only the beginning of many sentimental moments in our lifetime together.

Going back to you Baby, you seem to like your makeshift bassinet in the pack and play, you also seem to like the lighting in our house, and generally the ceiling is of particular interest to you. You also like it when mamma reads you books, and you don't even seem to mind diaper changes anymore. Like I said, you're growing up so nicely, and it's almost happening too fast for this dad.

Things they don't tell you to pack

So dad's, your babymamma is going to get all psycho about packing a suitcase of things they may or may not need when they go to the hospital to delivery. Just remind them all they really need is some good slippers, and some comfy clothes to wear out of the hospital.

Here are some things that the books don't tell you to bring.
1. Toilet paper- yes you would assume that "fancy hospital" that's well endowed research and teaching facility would be able the cover your ass and there's, but when it comes to good ol TP, let's just say they're using the single ply, melts in your hands if you have sweaty palm type of TP. To avoid bloody ass, I suggest bringing a roll or two of the good stuff.

2. Dad's dress in layers, the HVAC systems in large buildings are not to be trusted. A hoody, comfy pants, a nice hat, bandanna, headband, vest, bring it all. You won't regret it.

3. Mamma will be supplied her own drinking mug, but not daddy. She will also be supplied with food at no charge, but not daddy. So bring your own nalgene and a mug for coffee or tea. Save a paper cup and bring a reusable mug.

4. Don't even bother to bring books, cuz one doesn't really have the attention span to read post delivery. Although if there's no contractions and you're laid up in the hospital with the wife, bring a book, bring your laptop (hopefully there's wifi), bring some dvd's and chillax while you've taken the day off from work.

5. chapstick, again the HVAC can be bad, which means the humidity can be all screwy which mean chapped lips, parched mouths in the AM, and dry nasal passages. small humidifier could be nice for the really ambitious.

6. Electronic gadgets and their chargers -MP3 player, digital camera, cellphones, bluetooth headsets, PSP, etc.

7. As for things for the baby, maybe their own newborn hat instead of standard hospital issued hat. Although most of the standard hospital stuff is great cuz there's an abundance of it, it's free, and you don't have to wash it.

8. Lastly, Bring your A game for support, empathy, and advocating in the best interest of a happy babymamma, and for many hero pts for you.

The rest of the story

Well my last post was on 01.31.08 at 11am. gosh hard to imagine all the moments and stories that occurred that day but here's the quick scoop.

As already mentioned, pitocin and epidural was on board, things were progressing. Midwife really worked with mamma to let her be in control of things, limit "lady land" exams and just let nature do what it knows best.

Well around 3pm it was determined the cervix was fully effaced and fully dilated to 10cm. Midwife continued to let mamma be in control of things and see if contractions would continue to get stronger. I believe sometime in the afternoon mamma was given more meds to decrease the back labor pains she was experiencing.

By 6pm, it was determined, lets start pushing. So mamma opened wide, and began to bear down, grunt and push, and boy she was pushing. The nurse was impressed with her strength as well as the midwife, but there was no crowning.

Baby, you must have been very happy and warm in the womb. Ya you were a week late, but also you had no intentions of really coming out despite pooping up in mamma, and risking great infections since all that water broke.

After 2 hours of hard pushing, it was determined that mamma had to consider options. Mamma determined to go with vacuum assisted delivery. So the important white MD's came in. Yamaka doctor was important white dude #1, and went in for the reach to see if there was any movement in the head during a push to determine if vacuum would work. Yamaka doc said it ain't moving and it ain't going to work. At this point, mamma also became violently ill while puking up lots of fluids- orange gatorade, water, etc. At that point her temp was 108 degrees, which basically meant she could have a fever due to an infection or something, which also meant baby could be at risk.

So at that point, mamma and White MD's decided C-section was the way. Mamma was rolled out to the OR, while I got to wear full scrubs and wait in the OR hallway like I was in trouble with the Principal. At that point baby, my head was flooded with thoughts of what you would look like, if there would be any complications with mamma getting her stomach cut open, etc. etc. It was all to surreal.

Finally, I was let into the OR, and there mamma was with the mask on, and splayed out in crucifix style- arms out to the side, and curtain divider up so that mamma couldn't see her inards being rearranged.

Dad got to see all the bloody mess, and it was cool. The all women surgery staff was quick, efficient, and amazing how they could manipulate various organs and stuff from one incision. Then you arrived baby, and boy the only think I could say or think about was, "whoa that's a big baby." It was beyond me how you fit up in mamma, and it made perfectly good sense why you weren't going to want to come out vaginally.

Baby girl, everything was so perfect, and the cheeks were the first thing that I noticed on you. Due to the c section you came out with perfect skin, no stretched out head, or anything like that. Such a cute kid you are, and mamma and I proud to take care of you for the remainder of time.