Just a Blur

Its been about 4 weeks since my last post. You would think things were pretty boring at home, and daddy just forgot about you. Quite the contrary, for the first time I was overwhelmed with guilt because I was not going to be able to spend significant time with you. Of course as the adult I want to place the blame on you babygirl, but really it's partly my fault as well as the adjustment with you growing up. Let me explain.

In the last month, you have been quite the joy- facially animated, physically active, and just a sweet baby. Another big thing that's occurred in the last four weeks is the fact that mamma and daddy are sleeping a lot more these days, simply because you're sleeping a lot more. Another part of growing up is that you don't need to be consoled to go back to sleep anymore. Long gone are the days when daddy would rock you to sleep on the rocker, or the nights I would find songs to sing to you.

These days you're as consistent as Amtrak, not always on time, but we have a rough idea when you'll be going to your dreamworld, or alerting us with distinct cries that you're arriving back to an awakened reality. Mamma's putting you down around 7ish and you may or may not wake up within the next hour or so, just to let us know that your pacifier has fallen out or your music has stopped, and you want it back on. Typically after this, you'll wake up around in an hour's window btwn 1-2am, for a feeding and diaper change. After this you're usually asleep til 6-7:30am. If you're lucky, you're awake at 6-6:30am where you'll get propped away from the TV, but totally in view of daddy doing yoga. You particularly like when I'm doing moves like Sun Moon- lots of stretching and swinging of arms while breathing slowly.

Since you're going to bed at 7pm these days, that really limits my time with you these days. Sometimes I'll be home after 6pm, so then my time is pretty limited. Other times I'm off at my other office and don't get home well past your initial bedtime. Daddy tries to play ultimate one night a week, but by the time daddy get homes, you're sleeping peacefully. Wknds can be tough too, since daddy spend a considerable amount of Sundays at the office, and Sat can be full of church activities or catching up with other friends.

Am I turning into daddy's parents who were immigrants who had to work long and hard for everything daddy got? Not sure how to answer this question, but I do feel guilty that some days I may not get to spend significant amount of time with you for a stretch of 2-3 days. Of course as you continue to grow and get older, you won't require as much sleep, but that's many years away, and hopefully I will not have to continue to work and feel this way about my time with you for years.

The most important thing is that mamma is with you, she loves being home with you, and she's so grateful that she can be there with you. Of course if the roles were reversed daddy would have no problems with it either, but the reality is that daddy has to work a lot. I'm still figuring out this whole fathering thing, and hope that I will find and strike a better balance btwn work and play time with you.

I miss ya babygirl.

*You're more than just a blur in my eyes*